Even just the idea of having difficult conversations make introverts, and extroverts just the same — RUN FOR COVER. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a system to follow? A way to enhance the chances that those difficult conversations go better.
A process for having conversations that matter is not only available but is used by successful professionals around the world but that said it is a not a snap of the fingers type effort. How do we build a process for these moments? How do we create an environment where everyone is clear about where they stand, the next steps, and ultimately, what the finish line looks like?
I have worked with seed industry professionals from around the world on everything from family business buyouts to large multinational mergers to internal team issues … all of which created many difficult conversations that needed to be managed in a process. So, I consider myself to be “capable” and “eager” when it comes to these situations. HOWEVER, I found myself on the other side of this the other evening when I was working on a tricky little “parenting issue” with one of my five kids and I had my wife as the mediator to assist in managing this challenging endeavour. She skillfully defined up front what a process could look like, got buy in from each of the respective parties and then not only committed to holding space for each to speak until they felt heard but more importantly went into the “scene” with a commitment to getting to A finish line not HER finish line.
Well, in the midst of the discussion, I didn’t feel managed, I didn’t feel pressured, I felt like someone was helping us to have a conversation that was important to everyone and that had implications for future interactions, so it needed to be complete. Good news, I’m still a dad and still have all five kids that love me. But it was a strong reminder when I went back to self-evaluate the situation, that I needed her help … I needed to have someone help me put a system of understanding in place and someone that was from “outside” the immediate situation … understood the moving parts but was not as tightly connected. I get paid to do all those things but when it was MY situation and MY difficult conversation to have, I too needed support to make it happen. Lessons learned always!
But let’s be clear: facilitating a conversation is different from facilitating a solution. Conversations are about exploration — opening the floor for ideas, thoughts, and opinions. Solutions require more structure. When tackling a problem, you need to define the finish line, identify stakeholders, and determine the process for achieving the goal.
It’s also important to distinguish between facilitation, mediation, and moderation. These three roles might share similar skill sets, but their goals differ. Facilitators guide conversations to foster understanding. Mediators work to resolve conflicts by finding common ground. Moderators shape the flow of discussions, influencing the strength and direction of relationships. Each role is vital — and knowing when to apply which is critical.
